The Magical World of Online Dating

The Magical World of Online Dating

By: April Edwards

"Athletic build, tan, 5'11'' and ready to commit to you!" I read this description expecting to meet Prince Charming. Granted, this guy had a deep golden tan and a nice ride (Mercedes to be exact), but that was about all he had going for him. Out of the Mercedes stepped a man who, to my horror, was dripping with sweat and approximately 200 pounds heavier than he was in his pictures (which are still floating around the internet somewhere fooling young ladies into an extremely awkward situation). I have nothing against obese men. I've struggled with my weight on and off throughout my life so I get it. That doesn't mean I want to have sex with one.

And so I moved on to bigger, better things and found a man that I KNEW would sweep me off my feet. Apparently, I didn't look at his picture well enough. He and his friend pulled into my driveway and I stepped into the car. I turned to the driver and immediately began babbling on about our intimate internet conversations and how he looked so much better in person. Turns out, his friend was driving the car and my date was sitting in the backseat. But the awkward date commenced. Later I learned that he had a drinking problem. He was actually quite proud of the fact that he didn't eat and spent his rent money on beer. He boasted about the time he got "wasted" and set someones car on fire and how he almost got herpes but somehow avoided it. I've had experience in the "alcohol-induced insanity" department as well so, again, I get it. This doesn't mean I want to marry an alcoholic.

My third date seemed like he had his priorities straight. He had a great job selling hospital equipment and was seriously invested in his health. His pictures depicted a perfectly manicured lifestyle: traveling around the world, touring on his boat, and scuba diving with dolphins. We met over dinner and enjoyed some casual conversation. He spoke of his travels and luxurious lifestyle and made quite a compelling argument defending the honest intentions of pharmaceutical corporations. It all seemed to be going well. But after five glasses of wine he slid a hotel key in my direction and winked. I will not be treated like a prostitute.

And so, after numerous disastrous attempts to find love through this "dating site", I decided to throw in the towel. I figured I'd be better off alone. Then one day I was contacted by a man who had reached the same peak of frustration as I had. 

"All they want is my body," he commented. "I feel like a piece of meat." That was the first thing we had in common. I suggested we meet up at a local Starbucks. I arrived half an hour late, and because I had nearly sprinted a mile to get there, I was the sweaty one this time. We sparked up causal conversation and I learned that he drank nothing that contained caffeine (which made my Starbucks idea completely irrelevant). But I guess he saw passed that. We've grown quite fond of each other and still enjoy spending quality time in irrelevant coffee shops. You find love in the darnedest places.