50 Ways To Escape Reality By: April Edwards

50 WAYS TO ESCAPE REALITY 

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

      At some point in our lives, it is crucial that we retract from the reality we reside in (example: discovering your husband's pornography collection or realizing you forgot to wear pants). It is a tried and true survival technique; ignore the circumstances and they will disappear. To make your life a little easier, we have compiled a list of the top 50 ways to escape reality. These methods have been scientifically tested and have proven time and time again that reality is best dealt with by not dealing with it at all.

Reality Escaping Techniques:

Wear sunglasses.
Get reverse laser eye surgery.
Imagine what life would be like if you talked through your belly button.
Dress up like an old person.
Speak only in Shakespearean language.
Paint freckles on your face.
Paint freckles on your body.
Paint freckles on other people.
Shave your dog.
Break into your neighbor's house and pretend you live there.
Sell your children.
Glue your eyelids shut.
Play hide and seek.
Play hide and seek with your grandmother.
Paint your house orange.
Make jewelry out of teeth.
“Steal” complimentary toothbrushes from the dentist.
Wear a Halloween mask 365 days in a row.
Live off of nothing but Pepto Bismol and Gatorade.
Learn to communicate maturely with your partner.
Keep a horse in your basement.
Refer to PSA: 25 WAY TO BRAKE.
Shave your eyebrows.
Have a kid.
Have another kid.
Make clothes out of Mylar.
Learn “dolphin.”
In your household, replace fabric with cardboard.
Read the news.
Surround your house with fake owls.
Imagine the person in front of you has no ears.
Catch up on the latest conspiracy theories.
Go to Church.
Drink bleach.
Levitate.
Walk backwards all day.
Live off of welfare.
Don't talk to strangers.
Read the phonebook.
Pretend every day is St. Patrick's Day.
Grow a mustache.
Wear a corset.
Wear thimbles on your fingertips.
Peyote.
Wash your fence.
Stare at yourself in a mirror for 24 hours.
Stare at the wall for 24 hours.
Design a staircase that neither goes up or down.
Watch Children of the Corn.
Join a cult.

      We hope that in providing you with this list, we have managed to help you cope with everyday stressors. In today's world, it is imperative to take care of yourself both physically and mentally. Those who practice these techniques remain stable and unnerved in intense situations, and find it easy to function in today's society. You can easily point out an “escaped” citizen by their distinct glassy-eyed expression and lack of intense emotion. Make sure you stop and inquire about their lifestyle so that you, too, can start to utilize the tools listed in this PSA. However, don't be surprised if they point you in the opposite direction with a thimble-clad finger; they may be utilizing coping skill “38”, "Don't talk to strangers".